A Day in my Depressive Episode



Hello everyone. The Ameryn that is writing this right now is not in a very good space (to say the least). So I'm sorry if my tone is different and tired-sounding. But that's just the space I'm in at the moment. Also, an obvious trigger warning: This contains intense descriptions of a part of a depressive episode, so I don't want to push anyone over the edge. I also talk about my toxic eating patterns of late. Please don't continue reading if you feel that you might be triggered.

I knew it was going to be a bad day before the day even started. I did not sleep well at all. I woke up at least three times and my sleep was obviously restless because in the morning my sheet was coming off my bed and my blankets were everywhere. So as soon as I woke up, I knew it was not going to be a good day. I just felt so heavy and tired, even though I had just had 8 hours of sleep. It felt very chemical, if you know what I mean. I lie in bed for at least 10 minutes, listening to the rest of my house waking up. I had to force myself to get out of bed and brush my teeth and wash my face, but then I went straight back to bed.

I lie in bed thinking about how much I needed to get done, like university applications and practising piano. I hated myself and felt guilty for not having the motivation to do anything. I had to use all the willpower in my body to get up and get my laptop to start applying to Stellenbosch university. I obviously didn't eat breakfast, but I took my pills anyway. My room was (is) a mess. I got bored of filling out application forms so I decided that today I'd just take what I like to call a "Depression Day". I made a nest of soft fluffy blankets on the mess that was my bed and I listened to sad music and cried.

I fell asleep for about an hour, then I woke up and lie in bed doing absolutely nothing. I posted on my instagram (@plastersforhearts) and as a result, got into contact with a lovely human named Claudia (@thebeautyrapport on ig), who is also passionate about Mental Health Awareness. We started talking over dm and are hopefully going to do a collab soon.

I forced myself to practise clarinet and it felt like I was performing the most strenuous task. Then I collapsed onto my bed again after barely 15 minutes of practise. That is what depression does to you. It sucks out all your motivation and energy for everything. You don't see a point in doing anything. And extreme fatigue is also a common symptom, as well as the restless sleep. Another reason I was probably so tired was because I didn't eat for the entire day.

I had a bath in the afternoon in the hopes that it would cheer me up. It didn't. I didn't feel like washing my hair either so now its really gross. But do I care? You bet not. I put on the same clothes I was wearing all day after my bath, and proceeded to force myself to tidy my bed so that Claudia and I could have a video call. We chatted for over an hour, and probably would've talked more if it hadn't been for loadshedding (if you don't know what that is, be grateful that you don't live in South Africa). Basically it's just when they turn your electricity off for two hours.

After my chat with Claudia, I proceeded to have ANOTHER nap before I had to go to church for worship practise. Not even that made me feel better. That's when you know it's bad. Then I got home and now I'm writing this post.

I'm trying to stay positive but honestly I don't know when I'll get out of this slump. Luckily I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow. I'm sorry that I can't end off this post with a positive message, but unfortunately, that's the reality of life and thing's aren't always going to be okay.

Okay, I'm going to take my meds and go to bed now. Hopefully things will be better in the morning. I'm still sending all the love I can out into the universe. I hope that, if you are reading this, you're doing better than I am. And if you're not, I promise it will get better.

Have a wonderful day, you precious creation!
Love, Ameryn.

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